Υπο-θέσεις

Δεν ανήκω πουθενά.Δεν είμαι κανενός.

Ούτε καν δική σου,όσο περίεργο και αν ακούγεται.

Νιώθω ξανά και ξανά τόσο μόνη όσο περνούν οι ώρες,οι μέρες..

Κοιτάω γύρω μου και βλέπω την διαφορετικότητα στα μάτια όλων.

Τοξικομανείς.Εξαρτημένοι απο κάτι που τους κάνει να νιώθουν ζωντανοί για λίγο.

Ερωτευμένοι.Έρμαια της καρδιάς τους,των λανθασμένων τους επιλογών.

Είχα και έχω πάντα κάτι να πω για τους γύρω μου,έμαθα να παρατηρώ σιωπηλά.

Όμως όταν ήρθε η ώρα να γίνω αντικείμενο προσοχής,δεν ήξερα τι να απαντήσω.

Ποιά είσαι; Τι νιώθεις; Τι σε κάνει ευτυχισμένη;

Ο κάθε φυσιολογικός και ταυτόχρονα λογικός άνθρωπος,θα είχε απάντηση σε

τόσο απλές και καθημερινές ερωτήσεις.

Ξέρω την ταμπέλα μου,το όνομα που μου δόθηκε,στα πρώτα βήματα της ζωής μου

για να ξεχωρίζω απο το πλήθος.

Νιώθω σαν ηδονοβλεψίας αυτού του ξένου προς εμένα κόσμου,του κόσμου που

αλλάζει συνεχώς,με ταχύτατους ρυθμούς,που όσο και αν προσπαθώ να συμβαδίσω,

κάπου το χάνω αγαπητέ αναγνώστη.

Πολλοί θα νομίζουν,διαβάζοντας την μικρή μου εξομολόγηση,πως μπορούν να ταυτιστούν

μαζί μου,όμως όχι.

Κατηγορηματικό όχι.Γιατί πραγματικά δεν νιώθω ανθρώπινη πια.Ή αν θέλεις,

παρατηρητή των λέξεων,νιώθω περισσότερο τέρας απο ποτέ.

Και ακόμα,δεν έχω βρει στο δικό μου παραμύθι,το θαύμα που θα με κάνει ξανά

τον άνθρωπο που κάποτε υπήρξα.

Chaotic Liberty

They say you are free when you've got nothing left to lose.

Experience loss in what degree?

Lose a person?A lover?A favourite toy?Your house?

The only thing I ever had was my abyssal mind,my complex spirit.

You need to strive in order to keep it undistorted.

How do you get to know your inner self?Your soul.

I made it come out by dancing,letting myself go.

By drinking and thinking about the chaos that I'm surrounded by. 

I was never free,I always loved anything more than everything.

I imagined crystal mountains and bloody seas.

I always craved for the dizziness caused by extraordinary and remarkable flowers.

I loved the way the moon hides its one side,a perplex conundrum.

The long-ago departed stars,that kept shining bright for us to admire.

The clouds that could voyage through eternity.

The sun who witnessed a thousand warfares,a million delights.

Amongst us,our souls are strolling a perpetual trail that we'll never get to know of.

What is forever?Is it ours to keep and bide for?

Can you imagine your soul as a person?

As a bird?Ours is the wind,perhaps.

I tried to imprison it once,but it slipped right through my fingers and continued 

it's journey. 

Laughing and mocking the mortal mind of mine. 

Freedom is majestic.My soul is free.

The peregrinator soul.

I was lying on the cold,wet floor when my soul rose and walked away.

It will never come back.Because this soul,travelled around the world and painted

the sky with the morning colours.

It never came back,my hope was gone.I would also choose the beauty of

the snowy and niveous mountains over me.

If I was the soul,I would fly away,and adopt the shades of aurora borealis.

Even if a part of me,the important part,was away,I felt heavier and pained.

Until I found myself in your eyes.I had almost forgot about my soul,when

one day I felt a blissful feeling,the gap inside was full again.

All beauties in the world,can not be compared to you.

I don't know how I should call you.A marvel?A prodigy?A miracle?

You are the ray of sunshine in my deep abyss..The quiet place in the madness of my once miserable life. Instead of growing up, I feel like the time is turning back,and I get smaller,more naive and childish. There's so much to learn and so much you have to teach me,life. But even though my immature mind, I do love you. 

"How can you love me?You don't even know me. "

Yes,but, my dear, all mad people love.

Did I just...?

What is falling in love?

Can a person of young age acknowledge?

What about a lover?

Affection and dearness. 

What about those little creeps and the butterflies.

The sweat and the trembling legs.

Is it real,when you care for him?

If you,could take a bullet though your head,just to see him smile?

When you can hear the blood through your veins,

your heart beating,the adrenaline rise with one kiss?

When you only think of him,the few times you became one.

That slightly tickle all over when he touches you.

The fact that his beauty could make the winter cherry blossoms jealous?

I used to make fun of these talks,long talks during the bright,silent night.

But honey,I was just an imbecile,to think I wouldn't fall for you.

My flame burns brighter than a hundred lighten candles.

I have dreams,a lot of dreams,about us.

Plans that I could stand still and speak to you until the dawn says hello.

I had the need to share my contemplations.

I will wait.I will wait 'till I come back,fall into your arms

and cry out your name.

Scream,so all the world can hear me.

Because you are my all.Even the little things seem important with you.

Did I just fell in love?Yes.I might just did.

Fairytale

Let the darkness carry away our pain my love

and we'll soon be together again.

My fairytale,my first and only story I whisper to myself

in bed,before I sleep.

Thoughts and words are easily forgotten but I hope

your desire will remain intact by the time.

Your eyes,a window to my chaos.

Your absence,another excuse for not being sober every night.

All fairytales have a blissful termination.

I wish mine has one of these.

We create our destiny,with our deeds,with our lies and secrets.

I am yours and you are mine,the only witnesses,the stars and dawn.

I please for one more kiss as we sink in the incredible deep abyss

of our drunken,intoxicated minds.

But be sure,I will wait and long for you.

I once hoped for loneliness.

When I met you I hoped for you,to devour my ruptured soul.

I hoped,I didn't have to fall in love with you.

But,my fairytale,when you wish upon a fallen star,your

wish dies with it's bright,fiery,igneous light.

I fell in love with you.And now you know.

I am eager to await,an eternity of solitude if the prize of waiting

is seeing you fall into my arms once more.

Between the stars

What happens when you close your eyes?Do all the tortures lead 

into an eternal sleep or at a luminous light?

When your body is completely sane but your soul's been crippled?

Thoughts of chaos,understanding my complex,mazy mind.

Should I try to mutilate my thoughts?Even if I tried,delight and serenity

wouldn't escort me never again.

I should care for myself you say,love people beside me.

Smile.A smile without sense.

They say,you can not love anyone until you love yourself.

But please,unriddle my destitutions,how can I love me?

It's me,myself,I can not and will never forgive.

It's my body these paranormal scars enshroud.

It's me who's afraid of the apalling reflection when I look in the mirror.

It's my chains that will never be broken.

So tell me again sweet girl,how can I love myself when I am doomed 

between the stars?

That girl

Do you see that girl over there?

Sitting on the red couch?With her hair falling gently on her shoulders?

Who has a wide smile,a good word for everyone..

The redhead broken girl,is someone I barely know.

But yet,I feel her close,as a sister,as a best friend.

We all are broken in different ways,but she...Oh gods,she's hiding her

sorrow and grief under her perfect face.

Nobody understands,but I did.

I watched her eyes.Not her smile.

Eyes full of terror,desires that have never been fulfilled,nostalgia.

Little girl,little girl,why are you crying?

Come near me and see,that in the end of the day,we all are human.

Creatures with sick,twisted and perverted minds.

We two,once loved unconditionally and we paid for it.

Your demons can be friends with mine.

Little girl,take my hand and walk with me in darkness.

To a new and sincere friend.

Catherine.

Ending Season

Here's to the man that always could bring a smile on my face,a sparkle in my depressed eyes.

Who made me lie awake and wonder if maybe he thinks of me.

Who later kept me awake until 6am,just to talk.

Here's to the man I longed for.

To a new friend.A perfect lover,that I would give my all to stay and embrace me.

Here's to the unconditional love I give you,because you made me fall for you

over and over again.

Here's to our long talks about everything,to your kisses,to your smile.

Your damn eyes,as you keep hearing from me.

To my drunk soul.To my broken mind.

I think I'll miss you fovever,like the sun miss the stars in the morning sky.

Well done Mr.You did what nobody ever did.You made me think of you

night and day,you took my pride away,it's all yours.

Because Mr....you got me to learn how it is to fall in love.

Desire or will?

What is this unprecedented fire that burns inside of me?
Desire,or will?
Forgotten ghosts,crawl into me,reminding me that foggy,frosty night.
Do I really wish to remember?Or I push myself,unknowingly to think and recall?
Sky was beautiful,a giant,enormous graveyard of stars.
I swallowed the night and felt fuller under the moon.
Overwelmed by feelings of emptiness and sadness,I wore you tight in my silence.
Empty eyes,I saw the life being drained out by my own hands.
What have I done.The right thing,the voice answered.
I will never be saved,cleansed.God is upon me,cursing and blaming my bipolar brain.
I see my guardian angel,I see my sinful soul screaming for salvation.
It feels like I'm alive all of a sudden,bursting into tears,full of joy.
Finally I feel calm.My demons are fed and light is gone away from me.
Dark is overflowing my inner self.
Who are you?The guardian angel asked.
I was nobody..But now,I'm the the conqueror worm.Draining life from 
the lifeless dead.Feeding my devils.
I am the tempter,the flayer of mortal skin.
I hold the knife.I hold my destiny.
While leading my hands to Angel's throat,while my demons rise to rule the kingdom
of seven hells and heavens,I scream,welcome to the nightmare in my head.
And I will burn in hell.

Miles

Distance relationships were an object unknown to me,and to say the truth,I didn't care.

Until I "met" you.

I found myself in you,I felt like you were there,even if you weren't.

My range wonderwall.

My alter-ego.

I was decimated.We made pinky promises on camera,spent all our nights on telephone

talking,laughing and sharing dreams and thoughts.

People wouldn't get it,but I grew stronger everyday,I grew happier every day because I'd get to

know you better.I wanted to meet you.

We made a promise,if you couldn't make it,I'd come to you.Pinky promises again.

You could bring serenity and placidity on my soul with one word,one laugh.

You wanted adventure.I wanted something that could endure,for years,for ever,because deep inside

I acknowledged,you were the one.The one for me.You,and only you.

The reason why I kept breathing.Because some day,I hoped,as a fool,we could live together

without obstacles and glossings.

You were older.I was your little psycho.You were my idol.I was nothing to you.

Abruptly though,one day you were gone.All of a sudden my world came down and I was drowning

in depression.

You told me,it would be better that way,stay friends.You didn't want to break me,destroy me with your

 transactions.

You told me,I'd get to meet my true love someday,someone better,who could make me happy

and I won't have to care of distance.

But counter to you,I drived.I drived so I could see you.

I had miles to drive,and promises to keep.

After all these,you thought that you could earn a good friend.

When two people once loved each other,they can not be friends.

They can not.We can not.The reason why? I still remember and adjure you to come back.

In my  dreams,you are still there.Not as a friend,but as a lover.

As my all.

Lighthouse

We kept walking and walking though the shadow of the valley of death.

We kept walking,without resting,because we knew that our destiny was near.

We kept walking,holding hands and talking about our dreams and incubuses.

Finally,we saw the foggy and nebulous light ahead.

Finally,we are here.

The door cracked open,only to reveal a more murky and long road towards our answers.

The staircase was shabby,timpered and the smell of old wood was all over us,

around us,above us.

But most of all,it was a miracle,our miracle,we longed and searched for in our fantasies.

The beacons were flying above,on the ceiling.

When you looked at them,it was like they tried to speak,trying totell you,follow us,to the end of the world.

We started walking again.We reached the end of the staircase.

You held me in your arms,and with wet eyes,whispered,is this what you really want?

I gave you a long kiss and said,yes.

With my hand in yours,we jumped.And since that fall,we live in all the oceans.

We are flying in the universe,higher than every eagle has ever dared to go.

We are infinite.You can now lay down on the damp and humid grass and make

love to me.Only stars can see us now.

I am yours,and you are mine,forever.

Our bodies once crushed on hard and grey rocks,beyond the sea.

We sealed our love with that final jump,don't you understand?

The last light I saw was the reflection of the lighthouse in your dark eyes.

All the pain,all the remorses are gone now.Now it's you and me.

And at last,the world is ours.

I love you.'till the end of time.

Opium

I was waiting for you,to tell you how beautiful the dawn was again.

But you didn't come this morning.

It can't be so wrong,it can't,because it feels just right.

I get undressed,get into the bathtub and close my eyes..

The water is boiling hot,and it's helping me get away from my contemplations.

I am so confused and tired to think of you,or anything.

I just close my eyes and sleep.but here you are again,my drug,my opium.

I,I,I...it's always about myself now that I notice,I'm a drama queen,an ego-bitch.

But I care about you,I really do,even though you don't seem to heed,I always

act foolish and childish when you are close,I want to make you smile,laugh and 

remember the little girl from the past,who kept telling about the colours of the sky,

who sang in every opportunity and loved old movies.

I love being someones little secret.Your little secret.

Σειρήνες

Ησυχία.Τα μάτια σου γυαλίζουν πιο πολύ απο τ'αστέρια και το φεγγάρι μαζί.

Αν δεν υπήρχε αλκοοόλ στη ζωη μου; ...Δεν ξέρω.

Αν δεν υπήρχε θάρρος στην ψυχη μου;...Δεν ξέρω.

Αν δεν είχα το μυαλό και το πάθος για να γράφω,τότε ξέρω,θα ήταν όλα

λευκά και ανούσια.

Γιατί το πάθος και η τρέλα της στιγμής,των δευτερολέπτων,μπορούν να τα 

τινάξουν όλα στον αέρα.

Και όταν νιώθεις μόνος,η παραμικρή αλλαγή σε πετάει,σε γυρνάει και σε τρελένει.

Κρυφτήκαμε και οι δυο μας φοβισμένοι,πίσω απο λέξεις,πίσω απο ξένα πρόσωπα

και κενές πράξεις.

Αργήσαμε πολύ.Ξημερώνει,και συνεχίζω να σου λέω,κοίτα τι όμορφα

χρώματα έχει ο ουρανός.Η αυγή έφτασε στην ώρα της ξανά.

Έφτασε για να κάψει και να εξαγνίσει τις αμαρτωλές και πονεμένες μας ψυχές.

Δεν υπάρχει γυρισμός για ανθρώπους σαν εμάς.Το ήξερα απο την στιγμή που σε είδα.

Έμοιαζες, με Σειρήνα,σαν εκείνες που μάγεψαν με το τραγούδι τους τον Οδδυσέα στο γυρισμό του στην Ιθάκη.Είχα και γω μαγευτεί απο αυτήν την "Σειρήνα".

Για 'μένα δεν υπήρχε γυρισμός στην Ιθάκη μου,γιατί η Ιθάκη ήταν εκεί,

καθισμένη δίπλα μου.